Not to be over-simplistic about perhaps the main reason why we feel the need to have a partner or be in a relationship, but yes…it can be as simple as this: What you don’t find in yourself, you will look for in others.
There is a price you pay for everything you have to find in someone else
If you are unable to find (take a pick):
- self confidence
- self respect
inside you, and you need to find any, part, or all of the above items on this list in someone else, there is a price to pay. At the very minimum, dependency.
Even in the most harmonious of situations, dependencies are rarely a positive element. Starting with your partner, it might give them a sense of added worth, control, perhaps even power, but to most people at the receiving end of an emotional dependency -over time- this will become an emotional burden. Relationships are supposed to carry loads, but asking the relationship to carry a load that you should be able to carry yourself is not a fair thing to ask. Could you recall a situation where overburdening someone produced a positive end result?
An obvious example of where this arrangement shows its cracks is when you have arguments, quarrels, or fights…if you depend on comfort from the person you are having a fight with, you will very likely feel much worse and disoriented when these situations occur.
In many cases, being dependent on another person for our emotional stability, means that we have to put up with all their mess as well. The fact that someone can provide you with what you need in some areas doesn’t mean they have their act together in all areas of their lives. It could be that someone that gives us love, self-worth, joy, and comfort -ironically enough- is also single biggest source of insecurity, instability, and pain in our lives. Our dependencies, in a case like this, might not allow us to make the decisions that are best for us. We might put ourselves through very emotionally painful experiences, for unnecessarily long periods of time. It might even lead to us living a life that is not ours. A life dictated by what we lack, rather than what we have.
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