What is “ghosting”?  What does it mean that I have been “ghosted”?

“Ghosting” is when someone you have regular contact and/or communication with suddenly cuts you off without giving you any explanation.

Why was I “ghosted”?

Like many ghosted people, I HAVE NO IDEA!!!  

I met this very nice guy, we went out for a couple of weeks.  We had some really nice talks, had some laughs, all good.  During the week we would text quite often, nothing big, but just funny pics, or stuff that was on our minds at the moment.  This went on for about three weeks.  I didn’t notice at the time, but when I looked back at that last week, I did see that our texting frequency decreased, not significantly, but enough to mark a steady decline.  At some point I asked about when we were going to see each other again.  Normally he would respond a few hours later, or the next day, but this time he didn’t.  I sent him a few nudges, which previously would trigger a response reasonably quickly.  But again, not this time.  

I then switched the tone to, “Are you OK?”, “Is everything alright?”, “Are you feeling ill or sick?” sort of texts.  Nothing.  After a few days, I decided to make the huge jump from text to a voice call.  If you’ve ever been in this position, you know how big of a jump this is.  So I dialed.  “Tuuu…tuuu….Tuuu…tuuu…Tu….clack!….”  He rejected my phone call.  So he was at least in the state where he could still use his phone.  And he rejected me when I reached out.

In my subconscious efforts to cling on to anything that would give this bleak story a bright twist, I continued to hope I would get a sign from him in the coming days.  Maybe something really bad had happened and when he would finally be able to, we would have the longest talk about this over some drinks.  If not today, tomorrow, and if not tomorrow….

And somewhere down the line, the penny dropped.  He bailed.  Disappeared on me.  I had been ghosted.  

I’ve gone over our conversation the last night we were together with a forensic comb.  I cannot find anything that would justify him ghosting me from one day to the next.  I went over how we said goodbye the last time we met, and I couldn’t find any sign that would point to that being our last moment together.  

How do I feel about being ghosted?

It feels really really bad.  I guess it depends on how much you liked the person that ghosted you, and I did like him a lot -unfortunately.  There is a sense of betrayal.  As if you had the sort of bond -albeit young- but one that would merit an explanation.  Not getting it makes you feel as if the only feelings and emotions over the last few weeks were on your side, not his.  Which made me feel very lonely…and very dumped.

Now, there is something to be said about ghosting…

I have had guys break up with me before.  And that was not a happy time either.  It is gut wrenching, and to have the person standing right there in front of you makes it exponentially more dramatic.  I am of the belief that those who ghost others are displaying a tremendous lack of character, courage, and maturity.  And yes, not displaying these characteristics when life asks you to be a man and face the music should indeed come with consequences.  Having said that, if a relationship is going nowhere, I would be ok with something between ghosting and having a phone call.  Perhaps even via text…then I can just work it out on my own without the sharply painful in your face version.  

Going back to the earlier point that there should have been some consequences.  Yes, but if it is better for me at the time to deal with it in a way that does not involve me in the karmatic process of it, I will go for it 2 out of 3 times.  This relationship didn’t have the traction, or the time to build roots, so sure…I can take it, even though it wasn’t the right thing for him to do.

Why did I “ghost” someone else after having had my own “ghosting” experience?

OK, it wasn’t a full on “classic ghosting” but I did it with a minimal word exchange via text:

I won’t be texting or seeing you anymore.  Thanks, bye.” 

I guess it still holds to the classic ghosting in the sense that: 

a) I didn’t provide any explanation in the text as to why I would not see him again 

b) It came as a total surprise, as this had never been discussed between us before.

Even though I didn’t include the “why” in the message, there are certain relationships where the “why” is there but no one takes the initiative to do something about it.  It’s at moments like this – when it’s clear to both that the relationship is going nowhere, and that no deep emotional roots have developed on either side- that the ghosting option feels like the one which would entail the least amount of discomfort for both.  He did answer by the way.  His last text was:

I understand.  All the best.

In conclusion, and what about “Half ghosting?”

I did find a lot of connection with the fact that we were both clear that we were not connected, and that this would be a fair way to say goodbye.  I didn’t close the door to any further communications, but I didn’t leave it invitingly open either.  No fuss, no mess.  In conclusion, should we say a half ghost is better than a full ghost?

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