It’s always difficult to write down negative thoughts about someone you loved. And when it’s your ex partner, even more so, and even more crucial that you do.
We tend to go back and repeat the same mistakes over and over again. In part because we are simply dumb and often don’t fully get the lesson until something breaks. But other times, we simply forget. Our subconscious will in time edit our memories to the fairy tale versions we like to tell ourselves of how it was…and eventually we will only remember them in that way. This is a great mechanism to dampen the pain after a breakup, but it’s also the perfect setup so you fall into the trap again. How to fix? Write it down.
He would not accept when he was wrong
My ex boyfriend was wrong, and he was wrong a lot of the time. I should have called him out earlier, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to be that girlfriend that would point out every mistake, but looking back, I should have presented some resistance when the situation was warranted. In a way, I am to blame as to why he got accustomed to always being right, and getting his way. I made the wrong assumption that he would in time see it, and make the turn on his own. This didn’t happen, and I carried that cross the whole length of our time together.
He didn’t make me feel safe
I don’t mean this in a physical sense, I am referring to feeling safe inside the relationship. Having the reassurance that when I wake up tomorrow he would be there, and the week, month, and year after that. Talking about the future with my boyfriend was like asking a goat how blockchain works. Nothing. There would be no response, and even worse, he would make jokes about how much a worrywart I was. He would turn into this “live the moment” guy and there was no getting him out of it.
He didn’t open up to my family and friends
This one really hurt. I have a very strong connection with my mother and sister, and even though he did make an effort in the beginning, that quickly faded. His word count with my Mom on Thanksgiving was a nickel under a hundred…he could have poked that into a few tweets.
My sister, despite her best efforts could not get past one sentence answers from him, zero engagement whatsoever. My friends, especially my best friends, he didn’t get near. When they stopped by our place for a friendly visit, he would disappear for hours. The beautiful thing that I had with my family and friends, I could never extend to him.
He didn’t care about my job
At the time we were together I had a job teaching. Even though he never said it out loud -he was too clever for such a misstep- he saw my job as something in the paid hobby category. He never expressed any interest in it, or took any part of it seriously. Even if I would say I could understand, it was the job his loved one was doing, and because of that, it should have mattered to him.
His important things were more important than my important things
I have to give him some credit, we did make some of my issues a priority in the relationship. He did give me and the issues at hand a reasonable level of attention when they escalated. Unfortunately, this would only happen if there were no issues, items, events, work related problems, or inner soul searching moments of his that he needed to tend to. He wouldn’t think twice of dropping anything we were in the middle of if something from his end popped up.
If I don’t want to repeat these mistakes I cannot forget them
Hence I kept these notes not to hold on to a grudge, but to ensure this experience counts, and I move forward as a woman that will not find these elements acceptable in a relationship ever again.
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