After my FIFTH breakup with my boyfriend…I’m now starting to wonder if there is actually a limit to how many times it’s reasonable to go through this “life->to death-> to alive again” relationship cycle?  This moment of pondering has brought me to ask myself many questions about our relationship…

  1. Do you not love me?

This is the most obvious one, and it needs to be at the top of the list.  If he doesn’t love me, then what is the point of even being together?  When I’ve asked him the question straight up, I know the answer I’m expecting comes in only 2 flavors:

  • YES
  • Or a how whole bunch of long sentences that will add up to a very inconclusive “Maybe”

He has never gone for option #1.  I’ve convinced myself that underneath the rubble of his long explanations, there is the potential that he does indeed love me, but he’s just not comfortable with admitting it.  I think that my leniency when it comes to accepting his response to this question has contributed to this “break up, make up” cycle.

  1. Are these “mini break ups” an actual rehearsal for the “real break up”?

I sometimes get the feeling that he already knows he wants out, but he can’t seem to totally let go of the idea.  Every time he finds the nerve, he tries again to step out and test the waters, see if this time he can actually see it through…but so far, he has failed on each attempt.  If this is true, he clearly hasn’t found the appropriate amount of courage to finalize his exodus.  This for him is a failed attempt to escape, but for me it’s an excruciating process.  But in all honesty, the fact that he knows that I will take him back every time, has exacerbated this dysfunctional relationship cycle.  He no longer has “a risk” when it comes to breaking up, because he knows he will always have a place to come back to when he’s ready.   

  1. Are you still with me not because of me or because you are afraid of being alone?

I think the real reason why he’s staying with me is not because of me specifically, but mostly because he’s afraid of being alone.  Our break ups have never lasted more than weeks, in some cases not even days.  I have the feeling that the moment he realizes this is “really over” he panics, and I am right there to ease his pain.  Before we know it, we’re back together again…but not because of “us”….but because of his fear of solitude. 

  1. Do you truly know what you want?

He doesn’t seem to have an idea as to what he wants.  What is extremely painful to digest is the fact that he is using me as his back up plan until he figures it out.

  1. The final decision about us, will have to come from me

This is so painfully horrible to accept.  But the truth is, we’re no longer in a real relationship.  This is a placeholder for the time being.  He has shown me time and time again, why he is in this relationship with me:

  • To fill a void (which could be filled in by anyone)
  • To be able to tell society, colleagues, friends, family he has a partner/girlfriend that loves him (even if he doesn’t love me back)
  • For sex
  • To have someone there for him when he needs it

And he’ll stay until he:

  • Finds the courage to finalize our relationship completely
  • Finds a better option

At this point, I cannot blame him any longer for anything he does.  The writing is on the wall, and it’s my responsibility (to myself) to act on it.  There’s no reason for me to stay and provide the conditions that perpetuate this cycle.  It’s time I find the courage to and draw a line in the sand.  I will have to break up with him, because he can’t manage to break up with me. 

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